Another thing that makes me ME

A few folks have asked me how I feel about our miscarriage now that our miracle is almost 6 months old.  When Dad posed the question over dinner a few weeks ago, it took me by surprise and, after giving him a stream of consciousness answer, I started thinking.  So, more stream of consciousness here:

I can honestly say I've never been sadder in my whole life than when we lost our baby.  And, I see now why even the strongest of women never get over it.  I found out I was pregnant and I remember walking Jazzmine one afternoon thinking I'd never been happier in my life.  I was married to the man of my dreams and we were creating a beautiful little life.  My life seemed full of magic and promise.  But, now I know that there are no real promises.  Just lots of reasons to hope.  Except for love.  That can be a promise kept.

After learning that  our baby had died, I turned into someone I didn't know.  I stopped talking to my 9 friends (yes, I actually counted) who were pregnant when I was and who had newborns.  I was happy for them, but it was too hard to see them.  It made me remember what I was so desperate to forget.  I cried and cried and cried.  And, about 6 months later, I decided it was time to move on and snap out of it.  I've never been a depressed person and I've never been a crier, yet that was what I turned into.

About a month after that, I learned I was pregnant again.  Hooray!  Let 9 months of worrying begin!  I had learned the first time around that I could be a statistic.  I had been the 4% of women who miscarry after their first trimester is complete.  If it happened once, it could surely happen again.  I remember being 7 months pregnant and in the birthing class at the hospital.  They got us into little groups and asked us to discuss our fears.  The rest of the women in the circle talked about financial fears, fear of losing their social lives and the pain of childbirth.  When it was my turn, I started to cry and said I was afraid the baby would die before I ever even met her.  The teacher was great, but those women looked at me like I was a complete freak.

Fast forwarding, I have a gorgeous, fun, smiley, miraculous almost-6-month-old.  And, while I'm over the moon happy and in love, sometimes I remember "the other baby".  And, although the emotions of the past have become less intense, they're still there, not too far beneath my surface.  I am a new person.  I find myself feeling a little angry with people who are confident throughout their pregnancies and seem to take it all for granted.  Or, women who complain about being pregnant.  It's irrational and selfish, I know.  Please don't take it personally.  I ache in a new way for mothers who have lost their babies.  And, I try hard to help them through.

I have learned volumes about how precious life is.  Not just babies, but the life all around us.  I have learned about friendship and love, and am amazed by those who stuck by me when I was at my rottenest (I just made up a word).  And, those who surprised me by reaching out, especially one of the VP's at work and my boss.  They could not have been more wonderful and made me feel more OK at a time when I felt like a very not-OK embarrassed victim and failure.

I am a new person.  I think I am more "real" now.  I don't need to be embarrassed by my feelings and who I am.  Lots of people learned oodles about me, and, surprisingly, they still love me.  Thank you!  I love you back.